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Willie's Almost Eagle on # 15
Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3(g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7(h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6.a.9(k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15(z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9(s)Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.
At the 17th tee, having already lost the match decidedly, he turned to his playing partners.
“I think I've found my feel,” he said.
They looked at him puzzled. After all, Bob was playing terribly.
“Yes,” he said. “I feel like having three martinis.”
_____
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, “What's your handicap?”
“Oh, I'm a scratch golfer,” the other replied.
“Really?!” exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
“Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!!"
_____
A guy is golfing with his wife and gets to the first par 3 on the course. He lines up his shot, takes a swing and slices it hard way right of the green behind a barn.
He walks up to his ball and sees that he doesn’t have a shot to the hole because there is a giant barn in the way. His wife says: “Honey, why don’t you open up the front doors of the barn, I will open up the back doors of the barn, you will have a perfectly clear shot to the hole and you can save par!” It was an amazing idea.
So they open the doors and sure enough he has a perfect shot to the hole. He lines up his shot, takes a swing, the ball ricochets off the barn, hits his wife in the head and KILLS her instantly.
Years later, he remarries. He takes his new wife to the same course and when he gets to the par 3 he takes his shot and slices the ball way right directly behind the barn again. He walks up to the ball and just stands over his shot furious.
His new wife says “Honey, I have an amazing idea! Why don’t you open the front doors of the barn, I will open the....” the husband interrupts her.
WOAH WOW WOW WAIT A SECOND. I know what you’re going to say, the last time I did that I got an 8 on this hole!
___________
Grandfather, father and son ready to tee off when starter assigns them a fourth, a stunningly beautiful woman. Each of them are quite distracted the entire round, she’s just that hot.
On 18th green she’s got a very long par putt and says, “you guys have been awesome to let me join you, and I’ve played the best round of my life. Whoever can help me sink this final putt to break 90, well, she said smiling, I’ll give you whatever you ask for”.
The young man rushes over and eyes the line and says, “oh you’ll need to hit this one, its more uphill than it looks”.
The Father takes his turn, stares intently and says, “ I see it moving hard right early, then pretty straight up the hill”.
The Grandfather walks over, takes a quick peek, and says “its a gimme”.
________
Jesus, Moses, and Noah are big golf nuts, so every weekend, they disguise themselves, head down to Earth, and play a round.
One weekend, they're playing at a famous course that the PGA plays on. They come to a par 3. 140 yards to the green, with nothing but water in between the tee and green.
Moses and Noah both decide on a 7 iron. So they take their irons, take their swings, and both land safely on the green, and in good shape.
Jesus says "Arnold Palmer always took a Pitching Wedge on this hole." So he takes his PW, sets up, and takes his swing. The ball sails about 100 yards, and goes "kerplunk," right in the water.
In a huff, Jesus picks up his bag, and proceeds to walk on the surface of the water, to the other side, and just drops a ball in frustration.
The foursome behind them witnesses this happening. One of the guys in the group says to Moses "Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ??"
Moses chuckles, and says "Pfft, no...he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
_________
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
___________
Husband wakes up at 5 a.m. and rolls out of bed to get ready to go for his 6:30 tee time. He gets ready opens the garage door and starts backing out and he notices that it's drizzling outside. He thinks about not going and then decides not to go pulls the car back into the garage and he goes and sits in the living room and watches TV for about an hour. He finally decides to go back upstairs, gets into bed slowly to not wake up the wife and he kisses her shoulder and he says "it's raining outside". The wife then says "and can you believe it, my idiot husband went golfing".
_________
A man got on a bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful woman.
The woman kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
The woman looked at him compassionately and said, “Oh you poor thing. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow”
________
A doctor a priest and an engineer are all going golfing. They notice they’ve been stuck behind a foursome forever and eventually the course manager comes by and says:
“Thanks for your patience guys, the group ahead of you are firefighters who lost their vision in a horrific fire so we let them play for free.”
The priest, hoping to score some points with the guy upstairs says:
“That’s awful, I’ll be sure to pray 100 Hail Mary’s for these brave souls”
The doctor, hoping to impress, says:
“I’ll do you one better, I know some of the best ophthalmologists in the country I’ll ask around and see if there’s anything we can do.”
The engineer, hoping to finish his round ahead of schedule, says:
“Why the hell can’t these guys play at night?”
_________
Bob walks into the clubhouse. His golf buddies see that he has a huge bruise on the side of his head. They ask him what happened.
Bob says I went out with the Missus for a round of golf. Everything was going great. Weather was good. Until we hit the fifteenth hole.
You know the one that runs along Johnson's Farm. The Missus hit a real bad slice and it went out of bounds. I swear I thought I saw it hit a cow.
So she won't let it go, and we end up spending a good couple of minutes looking for her darn ball. Can't find it anywhere. I happen to notice one of the cows acting kinda of agitated. I lift up the cow's tail, and there is the Missus's ball. I ask her does this look like your's?
And that's when she hit me with her five iron.
________
A young lady, new to golf, was taking her first set of lessons from the local instructor. After a few swings resulting in a duff and the ball rolling a few yards the instructor says "The problem is in your grip, it's all wrong. Loosen up, you're holding the club much too tight. Hold the club the same way you would as if you were pleasuring your boyfriend." A few more swings and the ball is rolling a pathetic 20 yards. The instructor responds "Well, that's an improvement. Try again, but this time take the club out of your mouth."
_________
A man is playing golf by himself in Ireland. On the 15th hole, he hits a wicked slice into a ravine on the right. As he's looking for his ball, he walks around a large bush to find a wee little fellow laying on the ground with a big knot on his forehead, and a golf ball on the ground beside him. He's just coming around to consciousness.
The little guy looks at the preacher and says, "Aye, laddie, ye caught me fair and square. By rights of the ancient leprechaun traditions, I'm obliged to grant ye three wishes!"
The golfer thinks for a minute and says, "OK, I want a great golf game, an unlimited supply of cash, and a fantastic sex life!"
The leprechaun says, "Aye, laddie, 'tis granted. Best o' luck to ya, lad!" And, off he went, though a bit wobbly.
A couple of years later, the fellow is playing the same course, again by himself, and yes, slices his tee shot into the same ravine.
While looking for his ball, he comes across the leprechaun again, this time unharmed.
"Ah, laddie, 'tis you again! Tell me, how's your golf game?"
"Actually, really good, thanks! I rarely shoot over par. When I hit a bad shot, I always recover well, and I make plenty of birdies."
"Great," said the leprechaun, "how about your financial situation?"
"Excellent! Every time I reach into my pocket, I find a fresh crisp hundred euro note!"
"Outstanding! Now, how's your sex life?"
"Pretty good! I get it two or three times a week!"
The leprechaun looked shocked... "That doesn't sound so good to me, laddie!"
"Well, for an old priest from a small parish, it's not bad!"
_____
Avid mid to high handicap golfer dies suddenly in an accident. His wakes up in the finest resort golf course he's ever seen. He goes to the grill and dines on the finest breakfast he's ever had. He realizes what has happened to him and smiles at the good fortune of his final reward. Goes to the pro shop and they give him the finest custom clubs specifically tailored for him along with anything else he desires. That day he plays a perfect par, something he had never done before in mortal existence. He's ecstatic. He goes to the 19th hole where everyone celebrates his good fortune with him. Next day he plays another perfect par. Again a celebration. This routine goes on for for several more days.
He asks at the pro shop if there are any other courses in the area he might play. The starter says we can customize anything you want. Course layout, style, weather. Just ask and we deliver. He instantly changes the course to a different style and weather conditions. "Wow" the golfer thinks. "I'm really here! This is great." Again he scores a perfect par. Over and over for months on end this routine replays no matter the course, weather conditions, mood.....anything. Perfect par. The man grows suspicious and thinks to himself "Somethings not right here." Finally after months of perfect par he begins to get disillusioned. He tries to purposely hit poor shots but they all track true. He spends time on the driving range to improve with the same result. No matter what he does its the same result. Day after day after day.....perfect par.
Finally one evening at the 19th hole he complains to the bartender that no matter how hard he tries, no matter what he does he cannot make mistakes or improve on his game. Perfect par is always the result. He says to the bartender, "This is so monotonous. Man oh man I thought my final reward would be a lot different than this boring, endless routine of perfect par after perfect par every single day. Where's the challenge? Where's the joy, the sense of accomplishment? What's the point?" With tears in his eyes he looks at the bartender in horror as his forehead begins to sprout its horns. He takes the mans hand in his cold hand with its long claws and replies with his Sulphur laced breath and a sinister laugh "Just where do you think you are anyway?"
_________
A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160-yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre’s nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing.
Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says, “God, I have been a good and decent man. Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the green.”
As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, “Use a new ball, they go farther.”
The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and once again the heavenly voice booms, “Take a practice swing first.”
The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes a practice swing.
He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, “Use the old ball.”
_________
A caddy, and his 20 handicap amature are in the fairway sizing up their approach shot to the green. The player ask his caddy if he can get there with 9 iron. The caddy, while slowly cleaning his nails, with a tee, politely responds....."eventually".
____________
Bob Hope is having trouble with his game so he asks his instructor to watch hit some balls. Hope is hitting balls for awhile and the instructor is not saying a word.
Finally Hope turns to the instructor and says: "what do you think?"
The instructor looks at Hope and says: "take two weeks off then quit."
________
A Pastor has caught the golf bug, and one Sunday wakes up early, and say's "I know I shouldn't do this, but I'm going to call in sick and hit the links."
The Pastor calls in to the church office to inform them that he is ill, and the Assistant Pastor says 'no problem John, I can give the sermon today, get some rest, and I hope you feel better soon!"
So the Pastor hangs up and starts calling around to find a tee time, and he is able to get one a town away, so off he goes. The course isn't busy, so he goes off as a single.
He is having the round of his life, and then on the final par 3 it happens! He flushes a 7 iron, and he watches in awe as it tracks on line to the pin, and then one hops into the hole.
He's done IT! His first hole in one, and he is overcome with emotion!
Meanwhile, up in Heaven, Saint Peter is watching all of this unfold, and so he shakes his head and turns to Jesus and says, "why did you let him do that after he lied about being sick so he could go play golf?"
Jesus turns to Peter with a big grin on his face and says, "who's he gonna tell?"
(STEVE WHEAT, SOUNDS LIKE YOUR HOLE IN 1)
_________
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him.
Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight.
Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time and quickly wins 8 holes in a row, much to the upset of the young buck who has all the latest equipment and is convinced he is the next Tiger.
When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
Not wanting to be outdone, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.
“Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.
__________
A threesome were getting ready to tee off on the 10th when they noticed a single player, running up the fairway behind them on the 9th. He was hurriedly taking a shot and then running up to the green to putt.
The threesome were curious what was going on. As the man approached the threesome, he said “Hey guys, do you mind if I play through...?
I just got a call.... and my wife has had a life threatening car accident and I’m worried I might not make it.”
________
A Man and his wife are out playing golf. On 18 the guy steps up and just shanks his drive, hitting his wife in the head and killing her.
Later at the hospital the dr asks the man "I thought you said you hit her in the head with the golf ball." The man replies that that is correct.
The dr, with a confused look on his face asks "Then what was this ball we found up her bum?"
The man, not missing a beat replies "My mulligan"
__________
A new golfer just lays the sod over an approach shot. He picks up the beaver tail of a divot and asks his caddy "What do I do with this?" The caddie replies, "Take it home and practice on it!"
A golfer cold shanks three shots in a row out of bounds. He says to his caddie, "Golf is a funny game." The caddie replies, "Ain't meant to be!"
_______
And sometimes I think the best golf jokes are the ones that golfers play on each on on the course.
I once read a story where Sam Snead, who was new on the Tour, was playing with Ben Hogan, a veteran. They reach a long par 3 and Hogan has the tee.
The green sits just on the other side of a creek, and Hogan and his caddie seem to be arguing over whether it's a 2 or 3 iron. Meanwhile, Snead is playing like it's a casual round of golf, but his caddie is paying close attention.
Hogan finally chooses the 2 iron, chokes up on it, and hits a little bunt that just barely clears the creek and trickles up on the green. Snead asks his caddie "What do you think here?"
The caddie replies, "It's a good 2 iron Mr. Snead." So Sam laces a 2 iron shot that clears the creek, the green and sailed far into the woods behind the green! Snead look at his caddie and says, "Hell boy, that ain't no 2 iron!"
__________
Dad pulled his son aside, saying, " We need to talk, son. In the years to come, you will have strong desires you haven’t ever had before. Your heart will be pounding, your hands sweaty and you’ll be consumed with passion.”
“What are you saying, Dad? I think I know all that stuff.”
“Please understand these feelings are perfectly normal. It’s called golf.”
________
Husband and wife playing in an alternate shot tournament at their club. Man gets up, stripes one 280 down the middle. Wife gets up, shanks it into the woods. Husband hits an unbelievable fade around the trees, up on the green, 5' from the hole. Wife misses the putt, man taps it in. He says, 'Dang, I can't believe we got a 5 on that hole. Should have been a birdie." Wife says, "Don't complain to me - I only hit it twice."